God Is Love: Hospice Journey

My Faith: What people talk about before they die
Editor's Note: Kerry Egan is a hospice chaplain in Massachusetts and the author of "Fumbling: A Pilgrimage Tale of Love, Grief, and Spiritual Renewal on the Camino de Santiago."
By Kerry Egan, Special to CNN

As a divinity school student, I had just started working as a student chaplain at a cancer hospital when my professor asked me about my work. I was 26 years old and still learning what a chaplain did.

"I talk to the patients," I told him.

"You talk to patients? And tell me, what do people who are sick and dying talk to the student chaplain about?" he asked.

I had never considered the question before. “Well,” I responded slowly, “Mostly we talk about their families.”

“Do you talk about God?

“Umm, not usually.”

“Or their religion?”

“Not so much.”

“The meaning of their lives?”

“Sometimes.”

“And prayer? Do you lead them in prayer? Or ritual?”

“Well,” I hesitated. “Sometimes. But not usually, not really.”

I felt derision creeping into the professor's voice. “So you just visit people and talk about their families?”

“Well, they talk. I mostly listen.”

“Huh.” He leaned back in his chair.

A week later, in the middle of a lecture in this professor's packed class, he started to tell a story about a student he once met who was a chaplain intern at a hospital.
“And I asked her, 'What exactly do you do as a chaplain?' And she replied, 'Well, I talk to people about their families.'” He paused for effect. “And that was this student's understanding of faith! That was as deep as this person's spiritual life went! Talking about other people's families!”

The students laughed at the shallowness of the silly student. The professor was on a roll.
“And I thought to myself,” he continued, “that if I was ever sick in the hospital, if I was ever dying, that the last person I would ever want to see is some Harvard Divinity School student chaplain wanting to talk to me about my family.”

My body went numb with shame. At the time I thought that maybe, if I was a better chaplain, I would know how to talk to people about big spiritual questions. Maybe if dying people met with a good, experienced chaplain they would talk about God, I thought.

Today, 13 years later, I am a hospice chaplain. I visit people who are dying – in their homes, in hospitals, in nursing homes. And if you were to ask me the same question - What do people who are sick and dying talk about with the chaplain? – I, without hesitation or uncertainty, would give you the same answer. Mostly, they talk about their families: about their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters.

They talk about the love they felt, and the love they gave. Often they talk about love they did not receive, or the love they did not know how to offer, the love they withheld, or maybe never felt for the ones they should have loved unconditionally.

They talk about how they learned what love is, and what it is not. And sometimes, when they are actively dying, fluid gurgling in their throats, they reach their hands out to things I cannot see and they call out to their parents: Mama, Daddy, Mother.

What I did not understand when I was a student then, and what I would explain to that professor now, is that people talk to the chaplain about their families because that is how we talk about God. That is how we talk about the meaning of our lives. That is how we talk about the big spiritual questions of human existence.

We don't live our lives in our heads, in theology and theories. We live our lives in our families: the families we are born into, the families we create, the families we make through the people we choose as friends.

This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, this is where our purpose becomes clear.

Family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place we learn that love can overcome even the most painful rejection.

This crucible of love is where we start to ask those big spiritual questions, and ultimately where they end.

I have seen such expressions of love: A husband gently washing his wife's face with a cool washcloth, cupping the back of her bald head in his hand to get to the nape of her neck, because she is too weak to lift it from the pillow. A daughter spooning pudding into the mouth of her mother, a woman who has not recognized her for years.

A wife arranging the pillow under the head of her husband's no-longer-breathing body as she helps the undertaker lift him onto the waiting stretcher.

We don't learn the meaning of our lives by discussing it. It's not to be found in books or lecture halls or even churches or synagogues or mosques. It's discovered through these actions of love.

If God is love, and we believe that to be true, then we learn about God when we learn about love. The first, and usually the last, classroom of love is the family.

Sometimes that love is not only imperfect, it seems to be missing entirely. Monstrous things can happen in families. Too often, more often than I want to believe possible, patients tell me what it feels like when the person you love beats you or rapes you. They tell me what it feels like to know that you are utterly unwanted by your parents. They tell me what it feels like to be the target of someone's rage. They tell me what it feels like to know that you abandoned your children, or that your drinking destroyed your family, or that you failed to care for those who needed you.

Even in these cases, I am amazed at the strength of the human soul. People who did not know love in their families know that they should have been loved. They somehow know what was missing, and what they deserved as children and adults.

When the love is imperfect, or a family is destructive, something else can be learned: forgiveness. The spiritual work of being human is learning how to love and how to forgive.
We don’t have to use words of theology to talk about God; people who are close to death almost never do. We should learn from those who are dying that the best way to teach our children about God is by loving each other wholly and forgiving each other fully - just as each of us longs to be loved and forgiven by our mothers and fathers, sons and daughters.

The Honor Was Mine

She held her mom’s hand just as her mom held her hand the day she was born-with tremendous love and passion. That was their first day together she had only imagined her mom was thinking.

A tear fell as she now was shook back into her reality. This would probably be their last day joined as mother and daughter. She sat at her bed holding her hand ready to escort her into the presence of the Almighty. She was presenting her as an offering to the honor He was due.

Little did she know—the honor would be hers.

Moments before her mom entered eternity she experienced what would change the course of her life—forever!

She held her mom’s hand as family surrounded her. It would not be long the doctors and Hospice nurses told.

And the story is told. An experience witnessed by her family. Her daughter felt a sudden surge of her skin on fire and then she began to weep uncontrollably but this was soon replaced by a sense of peace that cannot be explained in any human words. She felt a peace and tranquility that washed over her body and soul. She could not cry if she wanted to. She felt no sorrow. She also could not let go of her mother’s hand. They were one. She looked at her mom as she struggled for every earthly breath. Her mom did not seem to be aware of any of this. Her family stood around her and kept asking, “What is it?” All she could do was smile, and then she laughed. She felt sure they thought she had lost her mind, she felt sure she had lost her mind.

All-too-quickly it was over, and her mom entered eternity. The feelings were gone and she let go of her hand. She stepped back to see if what happened really happened.

She was speechless.

She had handed over her precious mother to the arms of Jesus. How could she cry?

There would be rejoicing for she had stood at the doors of Heaven.

The honor due –given by the daughter of the King.

“The honor was mine Father,” she said.

Letting Go

To let go…

When I worked for Hospice, letting go was a sign that the end was drawing near. My dad was proud of the beautiful things he had acquired throughout his life; however, at the end of his life it was no longer important to him. What was important to him was letting my sister, my mom and I know how much we were loved. In his last days, he gave us a deep and hidden treasure. That would be his last earthly possession he held onto, for he even let go of us for now.

The old joke of the man that dies and takes a block of gold with him only to be greeted by St. Peter who in turns says, “Here’s another one with a piece of roadway.” This is painfully true for some of us but in our final hours, this will no longer hold true. We will by this time only carry our loved ones.

I have worked hard during my lifetime to acquire the finer things in life. But I have come to realize through my maturity, time with dying patients and in the course of my spiritual walk that these things do not and will not matter when my time comes to go Home. I know what matters are the people in my life from the past, present and the future.

Just like the mother who thought her child had been killed while serving in war, only to find out he was indeed alive. She only desired to see her son. She did not care about a road made of gold, pearly gates or tall mansions but only the feeling as she embraced her child. She has learned the meaning of peace, joy and love.

One day, we will give up all we have for the One that gave up all He had so that we will have all we ever could imagine.

Children and Spirituality

Children and Spirituality

Child Psychologists tell us that even very young children ask the kind of questions that can only be called spiritual.

I have witnessed this first hand when our own son was five years-old and did what he did / does best. He started his rapid-fire questions. On this particular day, he wanted to know about Heaven. “Well, mom how will you know me when I die and we get to Heaven, will we look the same? (How come I didn’t think of that?) And what if I die first? (Things a parent definitely does not want to discuss) Who will be there to meet me if I die first? But our son was such at peace with that discussion.

Fast forward a few more years, that innocence begins to wane. The child needs a little more proof of God. So they grab a hold of the tangible or abstract and embrace what represents their faith. That is why the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) or PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) bracelets are so popular. It gives them / us something to hold onto; which reminds me of the story of the little boy and his father.

“So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen His glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father.” (John 1:14)

I heard the story of a little boy who was frightened one night during a big thunderstorm. Terrified, he called out from his room, “Daddy, I am scared!”
His father, not wanting to get out of bed, called back, “Don’t worry, Son. God loves you and will take care of you.”

There was a moment of silence. The little boy said, “I know God loves me, but right now, I need somebody who has skin on.”

Soon the older child becomes an adult, they focus more on Jesus Himself. What happens to us as adults that we lose the innocence and simplistic relationship with our Savior? We get into a role of rituals, expectations and performance.

And the stories continue:

Sometimes, our great and awesome God seems almost untouchable. But Jesus came. He was God with skin on, walking among us and showing us what God is like.

I think C. S. Lewis put it well: “The Son of God became a man that men might become sons of God.”

(Proverbs 22:6) “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”

Where does church fit in for the child? In the young child, the parents are the soul (I meant soul) role models. What are mom and dad doing? As the child grows older, their peers become their models. Good or bad! What is going on in the church for the youth? Are the people of the church helping raise and mold the young? Children are very pliable at this age and into their teens. Are we more focused on their appearance than their worth? Or do we love them right where they are?

In a sad state, my daughter is away at college. She worked fast food for some time. The day came when she told me that she did not like to work Sunday afternoon’s. I asked why of course. Hoping / praying she was going to say she needed to be in church! She said, “The people coming in from church are the rudest.” At an age where my daughter needs to be ministered to, I am heartbroken that this is the message she is receiving. For God is Love! (John 4) Are our children seeing “Church building love” only, in a world of hurt and brokenness? Does our mission end at the doors of the Church?

We are all looking for something, some proof, some hope, and some kind of tangible way to embrace our Savior, whether we are children, teens or adults. For, we are all His little children.

I thought about so many different areas of children and spirituality. I know that my daily encounters are extremely powerful as I deal with the dying. I try to describe it as standing at the doors of Heaven, handing someone over to God. It is beautiful mostly but painful when the journey is over for the families and yes, the children. And what happens with the children.

The children that may be dying and the child watching a parent go. Children do much better with death than adults. And children know when death is near! So many times as adults we try to protect the child. But the children have this connection with God that is so intimate because they just believe (that childlike faith). So, it is best to just be honest with them on their terms.

Children that are dying are at peace. They are well taken care of by the unseen (Heb 11:1). How do I know? Because, of the adults that tell me about the Angels with them, and the children have shared the same. Recently a close friend that recently passed on asked me not to sit in a particular chair. I asked why, and she looked at me as if I was crazy. “Well, because he is sitting there.” “Who”, I asked. “The Angel,” she replied.

If there is a child with a parent that is dying, I let the family decide how to broach the subject with their children but I do suggest honesty. For this situation will stay with the child for the remainder of their life. If not dealt with correctly, children will express their pain in different manifestations.

One more thing and the most important, children lives are very rich with questions and thoughts about God. They are like little sponges. It is our job to help culture, mold and make those lives as rich as possible inside and outside the church. We never know who we are ministering to. But one thing for sure, they are / we are His children.

We are all looking for the same thing…Jesus.

Good and Evil

When Good meets Evil. It happens every day. We all see it. Sometimes we just tend to block it out or some days we are just too busy to take notice.

Yesterday, it was pretty blatant and it was just too hard to miss.

I had a patient who is drawing near the EOL (End-of-life). She is becoming very restless. She says she had to go. Several of us were in the room. Some people want to restrain her but I like to find out what is going on so I started to ask her questions. So I started with, "Where are you going?"

"Over there, don't you see it?"

"Tell me about it" I said.

"That beautiful place, and that big house. The group is here to take me."

"Tell me more." I wanted to hear. For I knew I was on holy ground.

It had been a long time since I had seen this lady smile. This same lady that I had been sharing Jesus with some weeks ago.

"The Man has been talking to me. He's nice. "And in the background of her room was Pat Roberts from the 400 club talking about Jesus.

She is on her journey home.

On the other side of town is a man. We are not sure of his spiritual belief's. There has been concern. He is very young. He is dying. Yesterday, as his mom sat with him in his unresponsive state, she noticed a horrible smell. She could not imagine where it came from. It came and went very quickly.

Her son whom had not be responsive in some time woke up and said, "Take this pillow away, it smells horrible." He went back to his deep sleep. The mom and nurses smelled the pillow and there was no odor. There had only been the brief encounter with the most horrid odor the mother had ever smelled.

What did this mean? She cried.

Good?

Evil?

We have a choice.

For those that do not believe, think it's not real, go ahead and think that way.

One day, the truth will be told.

We know how the story ends.

I Shall Know Him

I Shall Know Him

My boss said “Can you meet with me, I have someone special that wants to see you?” Well, sure after all, you are the boss --smile.

So my suspense rose. Who could it be? But when I saw them, I knew right away. And I will never forget this special family. They meant so much to me, and none of us will forget that special day when God Himself parted the Heavenly doors.

The daughter smiled, “It’s been almost a year.” The mom piped in, “Since we saw the ‘Joy.’” Their faces lit up with such amazing love and healing. I wondered if this day would ever come.

“Watch for the Joy” explains a story of an encounter from a journey Home last year with this family. A day when a piece of Heaven, a piece of Jesus stepped onto the Earth to receive His child. And those around witnessed His miracle.

Today, one year later, this family stands in awe of the miracles that continue to unveil themselves. His wife said to us, “If I had not believed in Jesus before, I sure do now. For when I saw my sweet husband's face aglow and his beautiful smile--when we witnessed the “Joy”, I knew he was seeing Jesus. Our lives have not been the same. We are better for having been where we have been.”

She continued, “We wouldn’t take our loved one back from his place next to Jesus for anything. He’s happy.”

The family presented us with a CD (as they are a talented gifted musical family) named, “I Shall Know Him.” The wife said, “It all makes sense now. For the smile that my husband displayed at his last breath was the moment he saw Jesus. And I have no doubt, he knew Him. “

And the day will come when “I Shall Know Him…” (1John3:2)

A Mom's Embrace

When she was a little girl, she loved to play house. She dreamed of being a mom. The day soon came where she had four beautiful children. Married to the man of her dreams. Life was good.

But life was not without its heartache. Without its trials and tribulations. She was young when she came to know the Lord. Hoping this would be her shield of protection. And in a sense it was but protection from what?

The day came when she lost a son in a tragic accident. Life was never the same. Then years later, she lost another child, then another and finally she lost her last child. In between these tragic events, her beautiful husband passed away.

As I was admitting her to Hospice a while back, I listened to her story. I had a hard time grasping her pain. I couldn’t really. Who could? After all, if I allow someone else's tragic life to crouch my thoughts too closely, would they become apart of my own world? Or would it be like a contagious disease? We do weird things when hearing horrific news, don't we?

My patient was full of joy, full of life. As she spoke, she told me that she asked God the question I was probably wondering. Maybe it showed on my face but yes, I was wondering, “Why?” Why would a woman ever have to endure outliving her children, especially all of them.

My little lady then said looking me straight in the eyes, “God told me that it was my job to take care of and bury my children, my family and I have done that now. I am done.”

She said this with such reassurance, with such certainty and just as Jesus did on the Cross, "It is finished." (John 19:30)

What a beautiful lady and a honor to get to know her. How she kept her spirit alive is beyond me but she did. And I can't help but think that God will honor this. She truly is amazing.

Last night, my patients family called in a desperate cry, “She is not breathing well.” I wasn't far from her house.

I arrived to see that she was getting close to her journey Home. Earlier this week, she had asked me to pray with her and now the Lord was answering our prayer. “Father, bring comfort, peace but most of all -- may Your will be done.” She smiled. She knew.

Within thirty minutes of my arrival, her journey was complete. She reached up as if to hug someone and then set her hands down gently, tenderly folding them on her chest, allthewhile she took her last earthly breath. It was one of the most peaceful moments I can remember witnessing.

Holy Ground? Oh yes! For she was greeted by her family that had already passed on and hugged every last one of them. All four of her children. And her lovely husband. To watch someone that could barely move a muscle the past week or find the strength to sit up but now find enough vigor to embrace her loved ones --one by one-- is no less than that of a miracle!

Her family is once again--complete!

In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. (John 14:2)

And we will all once again be as One…

All in a Mother's Embrace

Jesus Took His Hand

The phone rang. I looked over at the clock, it was 1:30 a.m. I cleared my head realizing with sadness, it could be only one thing. I was on call for a special little couple. This couple had been together for many years. And she never left his side in all the sixty-five years of their marriage.

Until tonight that is. This was the beginning of a new journey for her.

I answered the phone. “He’s gone.” It was a nursing peer on the other end. I knew I needed to go quick. I wasn’t sure how my patients wife would cope.

Within what seemed like hours, I walked through the door of his hospital room, cold and sad; and there sat my little wife in the chair next to him with the saddest face I could remember seeing in a long time. When she looked up and saw me, the tears began to flow and her body heaved with uncontrollable sobs. I couldn't understand what she was saying but her body said it all.

I held her in my arms for a long time.

Her brokenness had stolen my heart. I think God is so much like that. When He sees us in our broken state, He picks us up and wraps His arms around us and holds us tight. (Psalm 147:3)

The love of a couple like these two is a pretty rare gem. They never had children so their lives were each other. It was so beautiful. The world on this evening came to a standstill for a period of time.

We all honored my little man's entry into the Heavens. For it truly was a blessing.

His wife finally spoke, “I told him he couldn’t go. He will be alone.”

I asked her if she believed in the Bible (I knew she was a Christian). And she said, “Yes."

Do you think he is alone based on what the Bible says?”

Silence…

And then...with a small quivering voice ..."I only let his hand go for a short time," whispered his dulcet wife.

“Who do you think took his hand and walked him Home?” I asked her or maybe it was God--- who really knows?

And then the tears flowed.

Pediatric Hospice

This baby passed away before birth. Her name is Alexis Ann. Grief. Pain. Shock. Just to name a few, take over and the parents have no idea what to do. So a group of staff that have dealt with this before can atleast direct them into a direction of some type of normalcy until they can once again breath on their own.

This is where we come in.

It is interesting how God puts things into our path. He is the perfect orchestrator of all things.

I have always had the passion for many things (although, I didn't always know what they were). many times I beat myself up saying, I can't do it all.... But now--- God is seeing to it that I do many of them--nursing--counseling--embracing through love--mission work, the list just goes on. He(Papa, our God) is wrapping up so many of my desires into one.

You might ask, why, oh why would you desire such a thing. I just don't know. I can't answer this. But I have a heart to love on those in pain. A rescuer?! Maybe that is why 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 is so close to my heart. I may not have gone through this exact tragedy but I have experienced my share.

I found out today that our Hospice organization will be taking on a new role. We are going to start taking children (which we started recently) but also newborns.

I have always had a heart for their families and the babies & children just as the adults I care for in Hospice. Why? Only God can answer this. My families often confirm this. I love what I do.

So I will begin training soon. And for newborns, the families that receive the devastating news that their child will not live long outside of utero, we will come in and take care of the baby and their family either in the hospital or at home for their brief life.

Same as for children. Either at home or hospital as well.

Our area has been neglected for so long because no one wants to take this huge responsibility on. People (other medical organizations) are afraid. But there is a desperate need. These families need love. They need reassurance. They need guidance. AND again, they just need to know they aren't odd but that they will be ok( in a sense).... they will survive( the parents) no matter what... and that they are loved.

They need to know God has not deserted them.

As I read blogs. Books. etc. I see and feel what I "think" would help. They need someone to make the medical decisions so that they can just love on their baby. Someone to just help them look at this from a birds eye view. They sure don't need to feel like something is wrong with them. And they don't need to feel ostracized.

I have learned from one of the other nurses that has managed some of the pediatric patients is that when the children are dying, we will pretty much be out at the homes 24 /7. The parents are scared. Well, yes... I would be too.

Correct me if I am wrong... AND... if you are out there and you have been down this path, PLEASE, share with me your thoughts on what you think you would like to see happen. Or if you had help what was good and what wasn't.

I can only thing that as I care for adults, we expect adults to die although that doesn't make it easier... but we don't expect children and babies to die. This has to be so devastating. (And I would imagine I will cry...which we have discussed a debriefing for our staff)

There is an elect few that chose to do this out of our group. Not all the nurses are going to be able to do this. Having done some care with newborns / stillborns I only had a small taste. But I want to help families.

I recently read Karen Kingsbury's book where Ashley gave birth to her baby girl... I think it was Someday?? but it was this very subject. And I'm sure this isn't even close to reality.

Yes, I have rambled again... maybe I just need y'alls help and insight....

I have added some new info on my sidebar with some resources

thanks as always my dear friends....for listening...

Thoughts??

Ramblings of a Hospice Nurse

(Exodus 3:5) "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground."

The past week has been long, yet timeless. It is as if I have been walking in a place I speak of often--the "Supernatural."

I have to say, I am honored but I do ask, "Why me, Papa?" How could I be the one chosen to walk in these precious days with these dear people and witness their heavenly encounters as You prepare for their way home.

I had been with one particular patient for months. I had broken the cardinal sin (as I always do) and became attached to her. I fell in love with her. I went to her house every day for several months for dressing changes so this really gave us time to bond. And then the day came, she no longer recognized me or her family. But as I sat with her, she talked. She carried on a beautiful conversation.

It was of a beautiful love to come.

Her daughter came up behind me and said, "She is talking to my dad." He had passed away several years before. My patient had said that her husband had made a visit weeks ago and promised her that a white chariot would pick her up.

The next day, her white chariot came.



Yesterday, I was at the house of one of my families. When I say families, let me explain. I had a father and daughter on my service. The daughter was a friend of mine and her son is my son's friends. She had passed away months ago and now I have her dad.

Some days, the mom / wife is just breathing to survive. I spend a lot of time with her. So yesterday, I was with her and she had resigned to losing her husband now. As I stood over her and her husband, I said, "It is getting close and he will be with your daughter soon." Her husband has not spoke and acknowledged anything in sometime. He looked at his wife and nodded affirmatively.

My patients wife said, "Did you see that?" Yes. I did.

"God has given you a gift so that you can let him go." I said

"I will, I do," she said. And she cried. The tenderness of this moment could only be explained of that as standing on Holy Ground.


Yesterday, one of my peers asked me to see her patient. The husband witnessed our Savior to me!!


Are you standing on Holy Ground?

My Fathers Eye's...the story it will tell

She whispered in a very weak voice, "Come here" and her arms opened up to me.

I slowly walked over to her wondering what she might want or say. She was declining so quickly, it was breaking my heart.

"I met Him," as she embraced me with her arms. There was a long pause of silence. I was afraid to break the moment of tranquility. I had already sensed Who she meant but I wanted her to tell me. So I waited for her to speak.

Several minutes passed before she said, "I felt warm and totally at peace. While He, you know--God-- was here, I didn't hurt for the first time in a long time. I'm not afraid to go now." And the tears came--from her and from me.

The moment was precious and holy, so I was not about to disturb it with questions.

She then said, "I'm leaving soon." And so I nodded with a gesture of affirmation. She talked some more. I asked her what I could do for her and her family. And she just looked at me for the longest time with her eyes. I then saw her story.

It's in the eyes...

My dad did the same thing. Before he died, he talked to my sister and I. I will never forget his sweet eyes. How he told a complete story of love with his eyes. Tears trickled from his eyes as he tried to speak. He didn't have to. We knew. God spoke through our daddy's precious eyes.

I remember another story of a friend that took me in and taught me about grace. He told me of love, like diamonds in the sun the love sparkled, it was in his eyes. I sawJesus, there in his eyes. I was so humbled that He would meet me where I was.

I still am searching for my Papa. Somedays are sure enough easier than others and well, vice versa.

God reveals Himself through the eyes of others everyday if we look....

But what a day it will be when I finally stand before Him and look into my Father's eyes.

The story it will tell...

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes." (Rev 21:4)

He Now Breathes Celestial Air

“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him.” (Matt 3:16)

I shared with you several weeks ago in a devotional, How Will I Die, about a patient of mine that I led to the Lord.

I want to share the rest of the story with you now.

James has been getting sicker over the past weeks.

Yesterday, I sat next to him and we just talked. It was becoming increasingly difficult for him to talk due to his disease. This was a man that had once spoke seven different languages and now, he could barely speak one. He humbly tried to communicate with his family and friends. He was so weak but during our visit, I asked him what he thought was going on with the progress of his condition. He said, “I don’t know.”

I don’t ever want to take away someone’s hope but I do not want to ever leave things undone either. So there was a period of silence.......

I finally asked, “James, do you still want to be baptized?”

He looked at me and said, “Do you think it’s that close?”

I took his hand in mine and said, “Yes, I do.”

He said, “Well then, let’s do it tomorrow.”

And so tomorrow came.

He had had a rough night I later learned. His mom had sat up with him most of the night giving him medicine and holding his hand. Things a mother would do. She told me that she told him over and over how much she loved him. She said, "I don't think he heard me." I told her that "Yes, he did hear you." And a tear trickled down her face.

I had received a phone call early in the morning asking me if I could come to the house because James was much worse. I decided that before I came, I would try, call the Chaplain and ask him where he was. He answered his phone and he was only two blocks from where my patients’ house was. (What a God-wink!) Our Chaplain was going to be able to meet me in 10 minutes.

When I arrived at the house, my patient responded to me. I introduced him to our chaplain. I said, “James, here is Alan our chaplain. I promised you that we would get you baptized.”

James nodded with affirmation and blinked his eyes. He no longer was speaking.

The baptism was beautiful. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit--the sign of the cross was made on the forehead of a precious man. James was awake for it and just nodded. When the Chaplain finished, I walked the chaplain out the door. When I came back in, James was trying to sit up so I sat on the sofa with him.

Then I realized what was happening. His Jesus had come to get him. I told his mom what was happening. There we both said, “Go James, go see Jesus. We’ll see you soon”

James lay back in my arms as I rubbed his head and prayed while he took his last breath.

Then he began to breath celestial air… and he then stepped foot onto his eternal Home… with his Papa.

How Will I Die?

(John 3:15)"...that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life"

As A Hospice Nurse, I hear this question often. But this time I will hold onto this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during our last few visits. I could see it in his eyes. "How will I die?"

He is an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. I may perhaps say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that all my patients are given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients have been Christians. I have heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced it so I could not share that.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, "I'm not a bad person. I just didn't work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have a foundation to work with as I talked to him.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

Tea-Time

Psalm 95:7 "Today, if you hear His voice..."




Today, I met a friend.

“Tea?”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Would you care to join me for some tea?”

(There went my grocery list of to-do’s. Quickly the list began to add up. Surely the world would come to a halt without me--sly little smile. I just don’t have time for this, “Tea-time”. It will make me late getting to my next appointment which will make me late getting home which will make me late for dinner which will make me late for... you get it…)

Do people really do tea anymore? I pondered.

Well, the Rapture did not occur during my fleeting seconds of tug-of-war over the issue of—time, Tea-time! And I did come to a decision to his question.

“Sure, I guess it couldn’t hurt to have a little tea.”

And so it was tea, and just the two of us.

What a beautiful day in those moments common between two spirits. The exuding love shared as we follow the call of the Papa evident as the dance of life began all around us in twirls of magic. Tiny bursts of warmth crackled through our hearts as time no longer mattered. Understanding eternity as something with no boundaries, no limits, and no end. The choirs of our desires sang gloriously without ever moving our lips. Anytime two people take the time to share, I mean really share with another spirit, we will find something beneath all the defenses and all the walls we have built. We will find their beauty.

And the world went on—there was not a backlog of the events of my life that day or any of the days that followed. I became more alive than ever. A new breath of a fresh spirit was present.

And the days became weeks, the weeks became months as we shared over “Tea-time.”

And we shared Jesus.

Knowing for why I came, our days were numbered, they were short. And so our Tea-time together was drawing to an end. He would soon be sharing his Tea-time with Jesus.

And the day came.

I was on my way to my patient’s house to pronounce his death, he lives near an airport. He was also a pilot. I had never seen a plane in all the times I drove to his home during our visits. On this day, a large plane flew very low and dipped his right wing as if saying “Hi, how about Tea-time.”

I will miss you my friend, but I know you wouldn’t come back for "All the tea in Heaven?”… smile… I love you….

Today, I lost a friend.


Living the Supernatural

Walking Him Home

Then He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace." (Luke 8:48)


The phone rang early in the morning the other day and on the other end was a desperate cry, “Will you come and check our daddy?” I had been working closely with this family. They were a very private family and did not allow too many people into their home. So instead of calling the on call nurse I said, “Sure, I will be right there.”

As always, I started praying on my way to their home for the family and the patient. I prayed for God’s strength in what we were about to face as only God knew.


When I arrived, my patient was struggling with each breath he took. I checked his vital signs. I could not find a pulse or a blood pressure but he was still alive. So I told the youngest daughter what was going on and asked her if she had told her daddy it was ok to “go Home – to Heaven?” She said she had. So I asked her if her older sister who was currently resting had given her dad permission to go. The youngest daughter said, “No, she hasn’t” and gave a look as if she might not be able to.


I walked into the room where the oldest daughter was napping and sat down next to her waking her up. I told her what was going on with her dad and that what I was about to ask her would be one of the hardest things she would ever have to do. I told her that her dad was hanging on for her and he needed her permission “to go.”


Through the tears of compassionate love and understanding, she finally agreed to tell him he could go. I told her that I would be there with her and her sister but that God would be her strength.


She started out slow at first as her voice was very shaky. But soon she had such confidence as evident that God stood by their side for the words flowed from their mouths, “Dad, its ok for you to go where you can breathe again, go to the Light as we will be ok. They have beautiful grass that you can cut once again, go dad and cut the grass. We will be o.k. We will see you again. We love you.”


And as these words were said, their daddy slowly and peacefully took his last breaths. He quit struggling with his breathing. The transition into eternity was one of incredible peace. They held their daddy’s hand and talked to him. He gently walked into the gates of Heaven.


I said to his daughters, “You have just walked your daddy into the arms of Jesus.”


They turned to me and said, “We did, didn’t we?”


They wanted their daddy healed…….


He is now completely and totally healed…



Living the Supernatural,

The Healer

(1 Corinthians 12:28) "....also those having the gift of healing..."


As I finished up admitting our new patient this week, his last question to me was, "Will I be healed from this pain and my disease?"

So I asked him, "What Sir, is your definition of healing?"

And he looked at me and then with a big smile he said, "oh I know, I know, my healing may come in the hands of the Lord."

No more pain, no more tears....

But until then, whatever the Lord chooses, we all have a gift of healing.... comforting words... a comforting touch...or just sitting with someone to listen...

Live with me in the Supernatural,

A Holy Kiss

“Greet one another with a holy kiss” (Romans 16:16)

When I arrived, I sat on his bed and held his hand. His eyes were distant. As I called his name, he slowly looked my way. There it was that sweet precious smile I had come to love over these past months.

“Hi my love,” I said. In a frail voice, my patient said, ‘Hi darling” back to me.

This past week had been a tough week for my patient. He was declining quickly. I had told his son to call the family home, it would not be long now. Their daddy would be soon joining their momma and little brother in Heaven.

As I dropped my hand from his, he knew and I knew the sacredness of that moment. It was as if the pedals of his flower were dropping one by one or as the sand of an hourglass ticking the time away. Only now tomorrow had become today. His time had come and we both knew it.

For in this hope born out of suffering we could ask Father Time to wait, wait another day or to wait for our Savior but just days before he had whispered to me, “I’m so tired and I’m ready to go home.” So why ask for something that bares the self-affliction of agony for a few more days at the expense of his soul. He thought better over the days. And he let go.

So as I was about to leave, I knew this time was different, I knew this was going to be my last visit with him here on earth. I kissed him and said, “I will see you again and I love you.” And he turned to look at me with his fragile eyes and said, “Yes, we will” and smiled.

Holding. Waiting. Knowing. Watching for our Savior. Something we all do, is it not? And so did my little man in his last hours. He was at such peace.

What an incredible gift our Savior gives us.

A short time later the phone call came from his son….”Connie, Dad is gone…”…. and my mind wondered to our last “holy kiss” and our last words, “I will see you again…”

Yes, this was a blessed sacred moment in time. One to hold close to my heart in my journey of life, a little red heart given to me by my Savior.

For one day, we shall all be one…..

Well Done My Love

(Joel 2:28) "[The Day of the LORD ] "And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions."

It has happened again. This is the second time I have had a dream about one of my patients that has come true. Yes, I am reluctant to share this. I do not know if I am to share it or if this is one of those intimate moments that God wishes I keep to myself. But I did end up sharing the story with my patients wife, hoping it would bring her comfort.

In my dream, my patient had passed away and he woke up with a new body (Heaven). No more cancer. No more pain. No more struggles. When I woke up, I wondered if my patient had died or would soon. So I called the office on my way to work and the call nurse said, "No, not yet." So, I went ahead and stopped by their house on the way into work.

My patient was rapidly declining. In team report earlier in the week, I had made mention to his status so the nurse that had him as a patient before me also stopped by to see him later this day mainly to comfort his wife. My nurse peer later told me that afternoon he wasn't as close to dying as I thought (I was still thinking today would be the day). You know she is more experienced than I am as I'm still green on the job. So I still second guess myself but my gut still told me otherwise. Also, my dream lingered in the back of my mind.

On my way home in the afternoon, I stopped by his house as I had already promised his wife I would. Within one hour of being at their house, he declined even more, he was suffocating in his own fluids. I called to get an order for some medicine and started an IV to get him comfortable. It worked. He was finally at peace. I could leave now. I gave report to the on call nurse. Time to go. I gave my hugs to his wife.

But as I told my husband later, something happened. It was like led filled my feet. I could not move. I sat there and sat there. And within 15 minutes, it became very quiet and there was a peaceful sound, my patient tried to sit up. He openned his eyes as if looking at something or Someone and then .....he took his last breath. I held his hand and felt for a pulse....his heart beat became slower and slower until it came to a stop. He then silently slipped out of this world into the eternal life.

The words that came from his wife were "Thank you for not leaving me."

I can't say that what I did was special but only an act of obedience. For it was of the Holy Spirit. I only obeyed His nudging. I had felt Him all day. And we walked His child (my patient) home into His arms of His Father.

And we heard the peace, the whispers... the silence.... as the angels drew near.........

"Well done", I thought I heard Someone say from a distance.

Living the Supernatural,

A Taste Of Heaven

Isaiah 7:14 "Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign..."

Sixty six years. That is how long they were together. Never once had they been apart. She was barren so it was just the two. They never had much in the way of material items but they had it all in the way of love for I have never seen two people that loved each other so much.

When I met my sweet couple, he smiled at me through the pain of his suffering. His eyes told me of his unfolding story. One that would for the first time in his life not include his bride, for he was preparing for his homecoming.

And I looked at her; her smile was radiant and breathtaking. She had stolen my heart. If you saw her on the street, you would see a small frail woman that had poor dental care, missing teeth and sad eyes but that is not what I saw on this day. I was captivated by her beauty.

I sat with my friends on this annointed day to help get him comfortable in his dying hours. As I spoke with them both, she said, “God knew to take him first because I was the stronger of the two. He would not be able to live without me.” That is true love. And tears flowed from my eyes. Both of them comforted me, “Oh Connie, we love you.” I was overwhelmed with emotion. (I think I was suppose to be comforting them.)

In the last hours of his life, we experienced a taste of Heaven. My little man talked to the other side for two hours. He went from being coherent to no longer knowing we were around. Then he started talking and reaching for things. He said, “Oh yes, it’s beautiful. Oh precious Jesus. No not yet. Go get “R”. “R” was his little brother that had been killed when they were younger.

All during this supernatural rhythm and experience of Heaven, my precious couple danced in step with God’s spirit where she escorted her lover into the arms of his Savior.

For it was then that he took his very last breath here and his first in Heaven.

Live the supernatural.

Watch For The Joy

“And when all the people saw it, they shouted for joy and fell face down.” (Leviticus 9:24)

“What? That is horrible, how can God do this to me?” cried the wife of one of my dying patients.

I took her hand and I sat there silently with her for a period of time. Finally, I said, “I don’t know what you are feeling, but the ones that do say to look for the joy in these times.”

“What do you mean?” She was appalled that I could say such a thing. “Joy? How can there be joy?” (And boy, if looks could kill)

And I told her that I really didn’t know but our Savior would show her the anointed "Joy" when the time was right. She only had to “Be still and know.” (Psalm 46:10)

She said, “I just don’t know about all this.”

I hugged her as I was leaving and said, “Watch for the joy.”

Today, I went to visit my sweet family. Her husband had joined the Lord in his final dance on earth last night. And as I arrived at their home, she came running to me and embraced me. She stepped back for a moment with tears in her eyes and said, “I saw the joy, we all did.” (Meaning her three daughters)

She went on to explain that before her beloved died, his face became a radiant gold as he glowed, appearing to look like a little boy, then he turned to his bride and “smiled the most beautiful smile” (he had been unresponsive for over a week). The oldest daughter had been out of the room so when she stepped back in, one of the other sisters cried out, “Daddy, sis missed out on our joy—but she is here now.” And one more time, he turned to his firstborn and smiled before taking his last breath.

As His light came into our world …. (Matthew 5:14)

“…For we saw the joy…”