The Old Man's Heart

What did you say? Sitting next to him, I impatiently asked.

And then I saw the pain in his eyes that told me he was doing his best.

He was old now and his speech had begun to slur. I took his hand and held it. I was convicted. The twinge of pain ate at my soul. I looked at his hands. They were wrinkled and aged--they were old. He shook as he squeezed my hand back. There was an unspoken language between us at that moment.

In that brief existence, his heart spoke of a time when he was vibrant and virile. A man who raised a family. A man that had a career and worked a garden in the hot Sun. This is the reason his hands were weathered today.

His heart spoke through his eyes, he was a man of God. Although my impatience saddened him deeply, he understood. For he had once been young and he too had been quick to judge an elderly man like himself as I did him today. Oh, he understood, he just didn't like it.

I saw all this in the look of his eyes and the small tear that fell.

Time passed and we sat there quietly--together.

An understanding.

A forgiveness.

A love.

God's Night Lite

I would think if God had a night lite this would be it...

Picture taken by my good friend Ben Pridemore MD in Iceland

Happy New Year to all my friends..

The Great Pursuit

He gives me the “Look” and I am gone--for my heart has melted. Enmeshed into his eyes and the love that he states…without a word. He is my lover, my earthly husband. He has sought me with a purpose and with fervor? So, I wish to submit. I want to be his.

What woman does not like to be pursued like this?

What holds me back?

The animal kingdom is so natural. The male hunts her and the female just knows this is her calling. They are brought together till the bitter end.

Our human intelligence is sometimes above our longing. I try to analysis and way out the good and the what "if's." I argue with the life as it just is—just as I was created.

The calling of God waits in our yearnings—His desires.

“Run to me, dear lover.
Come like a gazelle.
Leap like a wild stag
On the Spice Mountains.”
(Song of Songs 8:14)

And Christ came with the same look… calling us—me. I wish to submit… I so do.

My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
11 See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
12 Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."
(song of Solomon 2:10-13)

Come to Me…

What Would People Think?

Psalm 139:17 "How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God."

I don't know where I got the impression I was supposed to be perfect. Maybe I heard it from a parent of a friend, "Look at her, she won't amount to much."

I don't know. Maybe it is what society expects.

Whatever the reason(s), somewhere during my years of growing up I made a vow-a stronghold. I decided I would always strive to do my very best from that day forward. Throughout my school years, I tried to make all A's. If I made a D on a paper say in chemistry (which I did) but ended up with an overall A for the class, I would still stress over the D.

What would people think?

Later on in my life, I became a mom. I was now conditioned to living the perfectionist life of living up to the expectations of others. Thus, I wanted the perfect little children in the perfect little home with the dog and cat and the white picket fence. My children would also need to have the best manners, "Please and thank you."

After all, what would people think?

I remember my own daughter when she was 4 years-old. I had taken her trick-o-treating. I had stressed how important it was to use her manners. That night, she ran her little legs as fast as she could to me yelling across the yard--her candy bag flying in the air, "Momma, Momma, I said my good manners." The homeowner laughing and quite proud of this supergenius child. Of course, I was proud-- Glowing or was I gloating? But why? Did it really make her a better person? Did she even understand? Or did it make me a better person?

What would people think?

She knew she made her momma happy. I was programming her to care what people think.

Don't get me wrong. I think kids should be taught right from wrong. I know plenty of kids these days that are not being taught any manners and are growing up without any type of boundaries.

But one day, something just clicked. I let my kids go. I was no longer worried about what others thought. I had guided them the best I could, the rest was in the hands of God. My job was to pray.

They are now on their own journey and if they fall, I will be right there to pray with them not to fix them.

If they fall?....What will people think?

It doesn't matter, it is between God and my children.

I am only a knot in the strand of their life....woven by love

The Last Tear

The GRE test is over.... and I did not do as well as I would have liked... in other words, I did not score high enough this round to get into the school I chose...

All the way home from the test, I cried... I felt humiliated and defeated. I had tried so hard. I spent so many hours applying myself. I felt that should have accounted for something. I also prayed earnestly so that too should have sealed the deal. But God doesn't work that way. And my head knows that.

For His ways are not our ways...Isaiah 55:8

I know these words well but at the time, I was just down right angry. I let God know it too. I had a full blown temper tantrum as I drove home. For one hour as a grown women, I yelled at God. I'm sure those driving next to me thought I had lost my mind. And I am sure they were not too far from the truth.

As I cried out the last tear, called myself stupid for the last time, I finally reached out for one more scripture...one close to my heart-- Jeremiah 29:11... This verse has saved me over the past few months. It has been my mantra so-to-speak.

I know the plans I have for you, Connie...my sweet child

I will prosper you...

I do not wish you harm...

And as my tears subsided...I crawled down from His lap...

and now I wait...

tHe NeW nOrMaL

tHe NeW nOrMaL

"The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow." (Isaiah 62:2)

A friend and I were talking this past week. It sort of went like this, "How are you doing?"

"I'm OK and you?"

and this went on for a minute or two and then we went a little deeper. "Yes, life isn't the same, is it? And it never will be."

You see, people think that after any life changing incident in our life, we will get back to our old self. We talked about how people mean well but use the old cliche's of "They are in a better place" or "You'll see them again." Where these things are true, they do not make the pain any less. And they never will. For we are forever changed.

And God does not wish us to stay in that same place. He hopes we will grow spiritually and be able to learn not just about ourselves but about others.

"New" can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. But to those going through challenges in their spiritual growth it can sometimes mean they are lonely, weary, empty, frustrated, hurting, hopeless, fearful or discouraged; "new" is not always something wonderful. And if you have ever been at this place in your life, you were at a place where it was impossible to reason with. Somewhat like a trapped hurt animal.

When this time comes (and it will) or if it has happened to someone we love, all we can really do is call on God's words, because it is really all that makes sense at this point. This is when we hold onto "My grace is enough; it's all you need." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

It is during this time when the weaker we become, the brighter our light shines. The light of our Lord shines through the torn and battered places in mine and your life.... revealing His Light into a world of darkness...

We are now living a "New Normal"...

I Can Fly

(psalm 106:12)" Then they believed his promises and sang His praise"

When you come to the edge of the light and must take a step into the darkness believe that one of two things will happen, either there will be something solid to stand on or you will learn to fly.


(this came from sweet Ivey , Check out her site on Braille books )

He Leadeth Me to a New Season

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecc 3:1-8)

We all go through seasons... sometimes, we enjoy spring or fall and would like the seasons to stay one season permantently. I grew up in Miami Florida. Most of the time, it was hot and hotter. We never learned to appreciate the change of seasons. I missed out on the crackling sounds of wood in a fireplace. I never made a snowman as a child.

When I moved to Georgia, I learned to enjoy the change of seasons. When we first arrived in Georgia, it was frigid cold. My first experience of something other than hot. A new sensation. When fall came the leaves turned a beautiful amber color and then the spring came and I saw my first new birth. Oh Lord, this reminds me of Your promise.

Our lives are filled with seasons. Whether it is with family circumstances or choices in our lives or jobs. I have just made a decision that not only affects me but affects my family. Just as when I took my job with Hospice because called me there, now there is a new season and it is time to go. Oh some may say, she cannot seem to make up her mind. But I hear God telling me through circumstances that it is time. For God is a resourceful God. He will use every circumstance in our life to bring Glory to His Name. And the men and women of the Bible did not always life in one place throughout their journey.

I have never done this in my career either. I feel a lot like Abraham when God told him to pick up and leave. I have left Hospice not knowing what I will do next. But I am so at peace. Because I know God is leading each step. He is a loving God.

It is spring in my life. There is new growth. One of promise, hope and a future.

It is when we let go of our ordinary life; thus, "allowing" God to turn it into an extraordinary life so that something truly spectacular happens!

A time to heal... a time to love...

Child Size Goggles

(PROVERBS 22:6)”Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

In this day and time, kids especially teens want to be cool. In their words and in their actions, they go to almost any means to be someone they are and someone they aren’t. When my son is with his peers, there is a certain cool factor that must exist… and heaven forbid if he is less than the rough and tough warrior he pretends to be.

As we drive back and forth from school each day or sitting in the room late at night, he shares his stories of his mighty conquers throughout the day. Yes, my young man is a valiant soldier in training…The stories probably somewhat embellished!

The story he shared left me with in a silent wonder thus reflecting back, thinking back to his early years when he first accepted the Lord as his savior, so I should not be surprised. Hogan has had a heart for God, “My little David” I call him, since he was 4 years old.

Anyhoo, back to the story, Hogan went to the County Fair a few weeks ago with a friend. When he got home that night, Hogan shared his sacred story with us. Let me add that Hogan does not care for heights and anything over a foot off the ground would classify as a phobic response from him. But as peer pressure would have it, Hogan was pressured into riding a rather large Ferris wheel that night. During the ride, the operator stopped the ride while Hogan and his friends were at the top. Now this was probably bad enough, but Hogan shared that huge bolts of lightning started to threaten the sky. He said the bolts seemed to grow very close to them and he felt he could reach out and touch it.

All of a sudden, with all of his friends around him sitting on the top of the world, Hogan began singing, “Jesus loves me this I know…”

Mom, I knew God would protect me…and He didn’t care about what his friends would think…

Maybe we should think more like our children… and not worry about what the world will think… But what God will think….

Next time ask for the child size goggles… and look through the world…


Thank you Hogan for teaching me that sweet love…

HOPE

These days have been far and few between… I think of my blog friends often… I know you well and hold you close to my heart…

amazing how God takes us down new roads and some of those bumpy at times.

The past few years have been an interesting journey… Some beautiful sights as well as the swampy slush we are brought to wade through. With all that said… I thought I would share where I am right now…

Hope… defined by Wikipedia is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. In the Bible, it is mentioned more than 200 times. “Christ in you is the hope of glory.” Or “…that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

I must say, I have struggled on the side of hope lately. I listen to the news… the world in the situation it is in…”Where are you, God?”

Sometimes, when I lose a lot of patients in a short time, I struggle. I love them all. And it is a hard road at times. “Where are you, God?”

Our community has been hit hard lately with the loss of children in tragic accidents. “Where are you, God?”

My mom is sick now, my sister and I are not ready to go down this road after having lost our dad not so long ago. I want her better. “Where are you, God?”

Last week I crawled, yes I said crawled in the bed with my patient, so that I could talk to her and hear what she was saying to me. “Is this the end?” I asked her, “What do you think?” and she said, “I don’t know.” So I went on to ask her if she was at peace and she smiled. I asked her what she now hoped for.

This lady had been my patient for many months. She fought like heck to stay alive. I told her it was ok to fight and I'd fight with her but when the time came, I knew God would give her peace and hope. Today, He did.

So I asked her again, “What do you hope for?” and she said, “I have it. I have Jesus.” She just closed her eyes and I cried.

When we have Christ and it looks like all hope is gone,,, we have Him.

I ask myself, “Where are you, God?”

You remind us that You are in my breath, You are in my children’s smile, You are in those that comfort us when we are down, You are in our darkest moments, You are in our past, present and future.

For as a wise man once said, “Life with Christ is an endless hope; without Him it is a hopeless end.”

I Have A Dream

Joel2:28
"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions."

I dream of things for my children...On my son's birthday this week, I reflect back to when he was born and where he is now...(all 14 years)

I have had dreams for him but so has his Heavenly Papa... where does the tug of war stop that I allow Him who he belongs to --to begin and self-sufficiency to end in my little boys life... I see in the distance a life of prosperity, success and happiness...

That is what I dream of...

My God's own Son came for a purpose... as we all do...and His ways are not our ways. Jesus came to win... but in our eyes He lost...He lost the battle to win. So many times... we see situations that must be won by the worlds definition. Why? Sometimes, wars are to be lost. For the mere purpose of winning. Throughout the Bible, men and woman were defeated.

So, as I dream for my little boy and my children... I dream of.. a life of God's purpose...and with that God's strength and love.

Keeping our eyes on the light ahead.

Finally Make It Home

God’s timing is always perfect.... it amazes me how easy it is to accept that when something wonderful happens. But when we are waiting and watching, it doesn’t come so easy.

Today, I had the coolest experience...I arrived at a home of a patient that had just passed away. When I walked into the room where my patient was, the children were by the bed.

The son said, "I think he is still alive but it might be my imagination". This is so common. People hold onto every last ounce of hope. I could tell by looking at the patient, he was indeed gone. But I have to officially do my thing so while I was pronouncing (checking the vital signs and officially stating the patient has died) my patient.... I was about to say he was gone... but some one's cell phone went off with the song... "Finally made it home" by mercy me....I looked up with tears in my eyes....I told the family I couldn't have said it better...They, too, had tears in their eyes.

“Oh Dad, you are Home!”

How fortunate we are to get the confirmation that our loved one has made it to his destination.

When we finally make it Home!

Can You Have Your Cake And Eat It Too?

I have come to believe that...

living without God is like...

trying to separate and take back your ingredients of the cake...

After it's baked...

Children and Spirituality

Children and Spirituality

Child Psychologists tell us that even very young children ask the kind of questions that can only be called spiritual.

I have witnessed this first hand when our own son was five years-old and did what he did / does best. He started his rapid-fire questions. On this particular day, he wanted to know about Heaven. “Well, mom how will you know me when I die and we get to Heaven, will we look the same? (How come I didn’t think of that?) And what if I die first? (Things a parent definitely does not want to discuss) Who will be there to meet me if I die first? But our son was such at peace with that discussion.

Fast forward a few more years, that innocence begins to wane. The child needs a little more proof of God. So they grab a hold of the tangible or abstract and embrace what represents their faith. That is why the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) or PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) bracelets are so popular. It gives them / us something to hold onto; which reminds me of the story of the little boy and his father.

“So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen His glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father.” (John 1:14)

I heard the story of a little boy who was frightened one night during a big thunderstorm. Terrified, he called out from his room, “Daddy, I am scared!”
His father, not wanting to get out of bed, called back, “Don’t worry, Son. God loves you and will take care of you.”

There was a moment of silence. The little boy said, “I know God loves me, but right now, I need somebody who has skin on.”

Soon the older child becomes an adult, they focus more on Jesus Himself. What happens to us as adults that we lose the innocence and simplistic relationship with our Savior? We get into a role of rituals, expectations and performance.

And the stories continue:

Sometimes, our great and awesome God seems almost untouchable. But Jesus came. He was God with skin on, walking among us and showing us what God is like.

I think C. S. Lewis put it well: “The Son of God became a man that men might become sons of God.”

(Proverbs 22:6) “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”

Where does church fit in for the child? In the young child, the parents are the soul (I meant soul) role models. What are mom and dad doing? As the child grows older, their peers become their models. Good or bad! What is going on in the church for the youth? Are the people of the church helping raise and mold the young? Children are very pliable at this age and into their teens. Are we more focused on their appearance than their worth? Or do we love them right where they are?

In a sad state, my daughter is away at college. She worked fast food for some time. The day came when she told me that she did not like to work Sunday afternoon’s. I asked why of course. Hoping / praying she was going to say she needed to be in church! She said, “The people coming in from church are the rudest.” At an age where my daughter needs to be ministered to, I am heartbroken that this is the message she is receiving. For God is Love! (John 4) Are our children seeing “Church building love” only, in a world of hurt and brokenness? Does our mission end at the doors of the Church?

We are all looking for something, some proof, some hope, and some kind of tangible way to embrace our Savior, whether we are children, teens or adults. For, we are all His little children.

I thought about so many different areas of children and spirituality. I know that my daily encounters are extremely powerful as I deal with the dying. I try to describe it as standing at the doors of Heaven, handing someone over to God. It is beautiful mostly but painful when the journey is over for the families and yes, the children. And what happens with the children.

The children that may be dying and the child watching a parent go. Children do much better with death than adults. And children know when death is near! So many times as adults we try to protect the child. But the children have this connection with God that is so intimate because they just believe (that childlike faith). So, it is best to just be honest with them on their terms.

Children that are dying are at peace. They are well taken care of by the unseen (Heb 11:1). How do I know? Because, of the adults that tell me about the Angels with them, and the children have shared the same. Recently a close friend that recently passed on asked me not to sit in a particular chair. I asked why, and she looked at me as if I was crazy. “Well, because he is sitting there.” “Who”, I asked. “The Angel,” she replied.

If there is a child with a parent that is dying, I let the family decide how to broach the subject with their children but I do suggest honesty. For this situation will stay with the child for the remainder of their life. If not dealt with correctly, children will express their pain in different manifestations.

One more thing and the most important, children lives are very rich with questions and thoughts about God. They are like little sponges. It is our job to help culture, mold and make those lives as rich as possible inside and outside the church. We never know who we are ministering to. But one thing for sure, they are / we are His children.

We are all looking for the same thing…Jesus.

He Loves Me

We had a big discussion in Sunday School Sunday... what do we as "Christians" say when others ask us something we don't have the answer to....

Well... This is what I have come up with...

1. Whatever I say... I will ALWAYS come short of what God's Truth really is

2. All I know is I was blind and now I see

3. God loves me

And with that... nothing else matters

The Last Good King

2 Kings 23:25 “Before him there was no king like him who turned to the Lord with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his might, according to the law of Moses; nor did any like him arise after him.

Struggles…

we all have them. People, situations, lack of things, too much of a good thing…Life.

What do we do? We pray, “God, help me make those that have hurt us see…” We expect victory because we have the Victorious Lord on our side. We have read the end of the book, we win.

Right?

So we continue to battle on…and we get frustrated when things aren’t going our way. Of course we do. We are partly human after all. Ah!

Josiah, grandson of Manasseh, took the throne. But this young man knew the Lord unlike his predecessors. He was told by a prophet that God’s wrath would rain down because the people had turned away from God. So what is a king to do when he knows he will lose anyway? He followed his Lord without looking back, totally abandoned.

Jesus came as a baby. He lived the trials of life as we did... Actually more than we did.

He came to lose!

He would not win this battle or so it seems to those around Him. “For My ways are not your ways.” It looks as though these kings have lost in the bitter end, but have they?

I thought about how many situations in my own life I feel needs a positive outcome. And when these situations aren’t going the way “I” think they should, I see it as total failure. And the truth be told, I actually want vengeance with people that have hurt me…kind of sort of… but then, how many people have I hurt. And for that, I want God’s mercy. Hmm?

The other day, I read about Joseph’s faithfulness to his brothers. Even after all the pain they caused, he continued to pray and forgive. How many of us have people like Joseph's brothers in our life? We want revenge, don’t we? But this is a battle we are to lose. For we will win, in His eyes. (Matt 16:24-25)

And there stands the Last Good King in all His Glory…

And the day will come when we stand with Him…

IN THE FINAL BATTLE...

When You Are Down... Looking Up

Today my sister and I went to visit Celeste at a Hospice facility. As usual for the typical Celeste style, she lifted us up and made us smile and laugh.

She made fun of her drainage tubes, her IV's and her frailties. Then she tried to gross us out by showing us that the food she just sucked down was now traveling into the tubes but she forgot I am a nurse so it takes a lot. And I never heard my sister fall out and hit the floor so she must have hung in there.

Then the conversation turned more serious and she talked of the inevitable. "Please take care of Dale."

I couldn't help but share with her what she had meant to me and what a wonderful example of God's love I saw shine through her. I felt blessed to even have been a part of her life.

She looked up and around the room. She smiled. "All this love. I have been so blessed. God is beautiful."

On our way out, Dale said, "Her life was not in vain, for I have come to know our God intimately. I wouldn't trade that."

Saying "Good-bye" when you know the next visit together will be in the eternal...leaves us with emotions of bittersweetness.

God Bless you Celeste and your life... We love you...

Heavenly Flowers

Song of Solomon 2:16 (The Message) “Delighting in the flowers until dawn breathes its light and night slips away…”

She was a kindhearted Christian woman. She worked hard raising her children to be the light of their Papa’s eyes. She took care of their home. And she loved her husband.

But the years have finally taken their toll. Her mind has began to fade and now a life-filled once with promise and expectation is filled with wait and wonder…

A waiting to be called Home…

A wonder of when…

Some days my patient and I just sat across from each other and sang. Some days… there was silence. She was happy most days just holding hands.

The other day, I sat across from her with my hands folded and it was then that she started to pick from my hands. I smiled at her and asked what she was doing. She said, “You have the most beautiful flowers, thank you.”

I was too anxious to move, frightened of spoiling a moment so sacred and so holy that I just held my breath. "Time to breathe", I thought as I watched her take her hand-filled bouquet of heavenly flowers and smell them. Maybe I too could catch the same aroma she seemed to be savoring.

I closed my eyes wondering if I could sense the Lord’s presence. Could I smell Heaven? Could I feel the brush of Angel wings? I do know I tasted Heaven once again, this time witnessing my purpose in her life.

As the night came, she slipped away… breathing in Heaven…delighting in dawn’s garden of Light…

What gifts are you carrying from the Father into lifes of others?

Let God Have Your Heart

1 John 4:4

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

I am weak... I cannot do this.... I will fail again....why can't I just do this one thing?

It is not for us to do...

But He who is in us...

Let God have your failures... your dreams.. your promises....

Let Him have your heart...

The Hands Of The Omega

In The Hands Of The Omega

(Revelations 1:8) 8"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."

One of my nurses shared this story the other day so I only hope I can do it justice. She cried as she told me the story. I now know why. This story fills me with hope, compassion and promise.

Her patient told her last week that he was going to die soon, actually he told her which day and he was right. This little man had been sleeping a lot in his last days but on this particular day woke up to share with his family this extraordinary story. One that will give me an incredible burst of faith for years to come not that I needed it. Or as I like to call them "A Holy Spirit jolt"

Anyhoo! The story...

“There are so many hands, I just don’t know which ones to take hold of,” the patient cried. His wife asked him to explain what he was talking about. “Mom and Dad are here holding their hands out for me. And so is my brother.” “I need you all to move away from my bed because you are blocking them from taking me Home. As the family moved away, a bright and shiny light moved into the patient’s direction. He then said, “There is Someone here now named the Omega, He's sitting on my bed. He has come to take me. His hands are reaching for me.”

This patient had not been a Christian very long and did not know the Bible all that well. His wife went and got her Bible and read to him, “I am the Alpha and the Omega…The First and Last...” (Rev 1:8). The patient’s eyes grew wide and he smiled ---before closing them for the last time.

His hand reached out… and he touched the Hand of God…

For the Omega… The First--The Last…had come...

Come, Lord Jesus.