HOPE

These days have been far and few between… I think of my blog friends often… I know you well and hold you close to my heart…

amazing how God takes us down new roads and some of those bumpy at times.

The past few years have been an interesting journey… Some beautiful sights as well as the swampy slush we are brought to wade through. With all that said… I thought I would share where I am right now…

Hope… defined by Wikipedia is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. In the Bible, it is mentioned more than 200 times. “Christ in you is the hope of glory.” Or “…that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

I must say, I have struggled on the side of hope lately. I listen to the news… the world in the situation it is in…”Where are you, God?”

Sometimes, when I lose a lot of patients in a short time, I struggle. I love them all. And it is a hard road at times. “Where are you, God?”

Our community has been hit hard lately with the loss of children in tragic accidents. “Where are you, God?”

My mom is sick now, my sister and I are not ready to go down this road after having lost our dad not so long ago. I want her better. “Where are you, God?”

Last week I crawled, yes I said crawled in the bed with my patient, so that I could talk to her and hear what she was saying to me. “Is this the end?” I asked her, “What do you think?” and she said, “I don’t know.” So I went on to ask her if she was at peace and she smiled. I asked her what she now hoped for.

This lady had been my patient for many months. She fought like heck to stay alive. I told her it was ok to fight and I'd fight with her but when the time came, I knew God would give her peace and hope. Today, He did.

So I asked her again, “What do you hope for?” and she said, “I have it. I have Jesus.” She just closed her eyes and I cried.

When we have Christ and it looks like all hope is gone,,, we have Him.

I ask myself, “Where are you, God?”

You remind us that You are in my breath, You are in my children’s smile, You are in those that comfort us when we are down, You are in our darkest moments, You are in our past, present and future.

For as a wise man once said, “Life with Christ is an endless hope; without Him it is a hopeless end.”

Finally Make It Home

God’s timing is always perfect.... it amazes me how easy it is to accept that when something wonderful happens. But when we are waiting and watching, it doesn’t come so easy.

Today, I had the coolest experience...I arrived at a home of a patient that had just passed away. When I walked into the room where my patient was, the children were by the bed.

The son said, "I think he is still alive but it might be my imagination". This is so common. People hold onto every last ounce of hope. I could tell by looking at the patient, he was indeed gone. But I have to officially do my thing so while I was pronouncing (checking the vital signs and officially stating the patient has died) my patient.... I was about to say he was gone... but some one's cell phone went off with the song... "Finally made it home" by mercy me....I looked up with tears in my eyes....I told the family I couldn't have said it better...They, too, had tears in their eyes.

“Oh Dad, you are Home!”

How fortunate we are to get the confirmation that our loved one has made it to his destination.

When we finally make it Home!

Heavenly Flowers

Song of Solomon 2:16 (The Message) “Delighting in the flowers until dawn breathes its light and night slips away…”

She was a kindhearted Christian woman. She worked hard raising her children to be the light of their Papa’s eyes. She took care of their home. And she loved her husband.

But the years have finally taken their toll. Her mind has began to fade and now a life-filled once with promise and expectation is filled with wait and wonder…

A waiting to be called Home…

A wonder of when…

Some days my patient and I just sat across from each other and sang. Some days… there was silence. She was happy most days just holding hands.

The other day, I sat across from her with my hands folded and it was then that she started to pick from my hands. I smiled at her and asked what she was doing. She said, “You have the most beautiful flowers, thank you.”

I was too anxious to move, frightened of spoiling a moment so sacred and so holy that I just held my breath. "Time to breathe", I thought as I watched her take her hand-filled bouquet of heavenly flowers and smell them. Maybe I too could catch the same aroma she seemed to be savoring.

I closed my eyes wondering if I could sense the Lord’s presence. Could I smell Heaven? Could I feel the brush of Angel wings? I do know I tasted Heaven once again, this time witnessing my purpose in her life.

As the night came, she slipped away… breathing in Heaven…delighting in dawn’s garden of Light…

What gifts are you carrying from the Father into lifes of others?

The Butterfly

"How does one become a butteryfly?," She asked pensively.

"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

"You mean to die?" asked Yellow.

"Yes and no," he answered.

"What looks like you will die."

"But what's really you will still live."

"Life is changed not taken away."

~Traina Paulus
Hope for the Flowers


In memory of a dear patient.....and friend

Can You Help Me Up?

(1 kings 19:11-12) The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.


“Why me God?” for I am not worthy; and these are the tears I cried as I realized what was unfolding before me. I ask God often why He puts me in these places of His holiness. I question my value. I just don’t have the answer. Nor does God stop putting me on journies that include His Holy Ground.

Moments before, my patient asked for help. “Please help me get up there.” He was pointing to the ceiling. At first, I thought he wanted up in the bed so I repositioned him. He smiled at me and said, “No, I mean up there.” Soon, I began to appreciate what he meant. The day before, we had prayed to our Lord for His will to be done. And now it was “time”.

I asked my patient what I could do to help him. Again, he pointed “up” and said, “I need to go.” I sat next to him, held his hand and then I said, “It’s ok for you to go now. We are here with your daughter and we have taken care of everything. "You can go rest now.” He nodded and smiled. He slowly closed his eyes.

I was gone from the house only 4 minutes when the call came. I was actually standing at the door of my next patient. The daughter cried, “Dad is gone, can you come back.” My next patient even said, “I will be praying for you and your family.”

Thoughts ran through my mind. I had been standing in the middle of Heavenly angels that had come to take my sweet patient Home. I guess I see it now looking back. A whole other world around me that sometimes makes me feel totally helpless. I felt sadness that I might have missed something Supernatural. Should I have pondered longer in these moments?

What could I have done different?

When I returned, I prayed over my patient. With gladness, he is Home now!

God knew my struggling heart, in that He sent me a message. As I got in my jeep to leave, a strong aroma of Gardenia’s passed me in a gentle breeze. “I am Home. Thank you.”

God had sent me a message letting me know that nothing we do is in vain.

We are all a sweet fragrance of His Son in all we do in His name…

The Hands Of The Omega

In The Hands Of The Omega

(Revelations 1:8) 8"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."

One of my nurses shared this story the other day so I only hope I can do it justice. She cried as she told me the story. I now know why. This story fills me with hope, compassion and promise.

Her patient told her last week that he was going to die soon, actually he told her which day and he was right. This little man had been sleeping a lot in his last days but on this particular day woke up to share with his family this extraordinary story. One that will give me an incredible burst of faith for years to come not that I needed it. Or as I like to call them "A Holy Spirit jolt"

Anyhoo! The story...

“There are so many hands, I just don’t know which ones to take hold of,” the patient cried. His wife asked him to explain what he was talking about. “Mom and Dad are here holding their hands out for me. And so is my brother.” “I need you all to move away from my bed because you are blocking them from taking me Home. As the family moved away, a bright and shiny light moved into the patient’s direction. He then said, “There is Someone here now named the Omega, He's sitting on my bed. He has come to take me. His hands are reaching for me.”

This patient had not been a Christian very long and did not know the Bible all that well. His wife went and got her Bible and read to him, “I am the Alpha and the Omega…The First and Last...” (Rev 1:8). The patient’s eyes grew wide and he smiled ---before closing them for the last time.

His hand reached out… and he touched the Hand of God…

For the Omega… The First--The Last…had come...

Come, Lord Jesus.

A Mother's Love

A Mothers Love

(Isaiah 55:8) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

(Luke 15:20) "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

“Mom is breathing different.” I looked at her son as he held his mom’s hand. I know this look of a patient, this sound, this call; the call of our Father as we draw closer to Home. I told her son to call his brother and sisters to come now. I tried not to alarm him but he needed to understand the urgency as well. He asked, “Is it time?” And I nodded yes. Tears fell from his eyes.

Her loved ones were there very soon all but one daughter. From what I had heard from the family, there had been “issues” for a long time with this child. As I listened to the children talk around their mom, I said, “If sis can’t make it, let’s put the phone to your mom’s ear and let your sister talk to her.” At this request, the remaining daughter refused to talk to her mom. She said she was on her way.

Immediately, I judged. I thought to myself, “You may not have time and you will have to live with not having this chance to say good-bye.”

My patient soon took her last breath. I wrote down the time of death on the palm of my hand. Her body went into the complete relaxed mode. But her siblings hugged close together and told their mom, “Sis will be here soon.” Slowly their mom started to breathe again. My Social Worker and I stood amazed. Although, I had seen this one other time, I hadn’t seen this often. Again, I was astonished but then the words of our Lord came to me “My ways are not your ways”. I knew she was waiting on her other daughter.

The time that lapsed was 54 minutes from what I thought to be her last breath. Her daughter arrived and her mom then took her final breath here as she inhaled pure celestial air.

I had figured that by all standards, this girl had missed her chance. She had been estranged from the family. But “My ways are not your ways…” I was reminded as this family embraced their sister. I saw pure joy. And this mother’s love was so unconditional that in her dying moments, she held onto something she wanted so badly, to bring her last child in. (Luke 15:20)

This mom had been praying to go back home to her husband and sister for a long time from what the family told me; but postponed it for the love of a child.

That is the same love God has for us…

The Wedding

(Numbers 12:6) "I reveal myself to him in visions, I speak to him in dreams."

He came before me in a beautiful pinstripe suit. "I am ready for the wedding," he said. And the moment was special. He was smiling and painfree. "I'm going to see my Bride."

And then I woke up.

It was only a dream. I was dreaming about a patient, again! This is the third time this has happened. But it was only a dream, right?!

Within an hour, I received a call, my patient that I had just dreamt of had taken a turn for the worse. Chills ran up my arms. "God, what are you saying to me?"

I drove to his home and prayed for him as I thought about my dream during the night. See, he lost his wife recently and he has wanted to go home. But he also told me of seeing Jesus not long ago while we were visiting. So, it would be a marriage, indeed!

As I talked to the family, I mentioned my dream. The daughter asked me to describe the suit and so I did. I said the funny thing in my dream was his suit was really big but had the smallest of pinstripes. She started to cry. "I have that very suit at the cleaners."

I reassured her that he is very happy in my dream. She said that she knew he would be. He had missed her mom so much.

The wedding is in process.... an incredible reunion...

Pastor Jesus with Our Sunday Best Shoes

"Honey, wait just a minute while I put on my Sunday best shoes."

Whoever thought this would be her last words that day?

I made rounds at the hospital today on a little lady and her son shared this story with me. I felt so blessed. It's like being let into an intimate part of someone's life. My patients husband Don was a Baptist preacher and every Sunday he liked to get to church early. Well, she didn’t! She was a procrastinator. She unbearably would forget something; like leaving her Bible or just a need to change her shoes. This was her favorite exploit, changing her shoes. And her sweet husband sat patiently(smile) waiting on her (unless you call lying on the horn-patient).

A few weekends ago, my patient in her confusion cried out, “Don, wait just a minute while I get my shoes.” This is the beginning of what we call visions or hallucinations - prior to death. Her son at the time didn’t think much of this. He actually just smiled and thought back to when they were children and the times when she made his daddy wait so many Sunday mornings.

Later that day, they had to take their mom to the hospital because she continued to decline. Only to find out she was dying. Now, time slowly ticks away and they wait and wonder when their dad will come and get their mom.

And a thought comes to mind. “Don, wait a minute while I put on my Sunday best.” She is still dragging her feet; almost as if she’s still procrastinating wouldn’t you say?

And just what if…Don is blowing the horn…

The kids can’t help but chuckle… through the tears.

As they know their momma is going to the big church now…with the ultimate Pastor…as she will be changing her membership over to a new membership. Oh yes, as she is greeted her husband, her Jesus and her Abba.

A Choir Of Angels

"...He will never leave you nor forsake you."(Deut 31:6)

The past few days have been hard. I have lost a long time patient that grew close to my heart.

You see, several years ago she lost the ability to speak. So she talked to me with her eyes. And they spoke volumes, they spoke love. And oh, that beautiful smile of hers.

Last week she took my hand, squeezed it and uttered, “I love you.” I knew then she would not be with us much longer. That was her “Good-bye.”

My last words were I will take care of you. And I kept my promise. I kept her vigil. She died peacefully.

I prayed… or was it Him…Jesus?

I have another patient that I have drawn so close to. She took a turn for the worse last night. (When it rains, it pours.) I made her a promise, “I will take care of you.” ( a little pattern here.)

This morning her eyes said it all, “I’m ready to go.” But I don’t want her to, in my own selfishness. She kept smiling and comforted me and her daughter. Something definitely wrong with this picture. I’m the Hospice Nurse, right?

I will keep my promise. I will now go on call 24/7 for her. I will….. oh… Jesus will… right, I am only a vessel of His Almighty…

Last night, one of our patients passed. The daughter was asleep. She awoke to the most beautiful sounding choir of music she had ever heard. She really could not articulate the sound of music she was hearing. It was unique, it was exquisite.

She went through the house looking for the radio playing the music. Nothing was on, not even the TV. She came to her mom’s room. There she stood and what she saw took her breath for she saw that her mom had gone home with Jesus.

The Choir of Angels had come to get her. And she had been a witness to her Saviors loving return.

"Yes, I will take care of you", sayeth the Lord. (Deut 31:6)

An Angel's Resting Place

(Psalm 131:2) " But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

One thing I have learned about babies and children is that when they are dying they are NOT afraid. There is a tremendous assurance of peace in knowing that they will be OK. They trust their Abba totally in that He will be there waiting on he or she. And as they rest in the arms of their mom, dad, grandparents and other loved ones, they just believe!

They believe with a vast child-like faith that our Papa speaks of. The ultimate peace Abba refers to but we only dream of. "...great will be Your children's peace." (Isaiah 54:13)

Last night at the funeral home, I walked in and mom came over and held me with out any words spoken. Only tears. There really wasn't anything to say. This body language, these tears are a universal language in itself. Mom's (Dad's, grandparent's, etc ) know this language. Although, we wish we did not.

As I went to the grandmother, I just looked at her and said, "I just don't know what to say. I can't even imagine your pain. What can I do?"

Tears... again -- were said.

Finally--we talked about the casket. I told her I had never seen one so small and beautiful. It was so pure, so white. Much like an Angel's Resting Place. I then went onto say, Angels don't die. They live forever. Just as Baby N is now doing. "...they can no longer die; for they are like the angels" (Luke 20: 36)

I did tell her that I would not say, "He is no longer suffering or better off... I told her that this whole thing stinks.. and I asked if she had asked why yet? or if she was angry? Then finally somewhere we managed to laugh about some silly off the wall things.

She said she thought she would live to die and one day see her grandson again.

For the time we drudge on until we too find our Angel's Resting Place!

I don't tell you all enough how much I love and appreciate you... I am going to try and catch up on my blog reading and posting... I am sooooo far behind... but thank you for your faithfulness

I love you all dearly

His Child Went Home

This has been a hard week. I'm not sure I can even process my own emotions - yet. I know many of you know or have been there. But not me.

Baby J. was twelve months old. He had been fighting for life since he was born.

I knew the day would come as a Hospice nurse where I would have to care for a child. And that day came.

He looked so perfect and so beautiful. Baby J. His skin was so soft, but pale. And he fought for every breath he took.

I asked God "Why?"

The parents asked, "Why?"

The nurse caring for the baby in the Intensive Care Unit admitted she was not comfortable with caring for a dying baby. She was use to saving babies, not walking them home to Jesus.

Yesterday, I took pictures of the parents and Baby J. Something mom and dad can cherish. Then, we prayed. We shared their son's life.

I walked out of the room and talked to the nurse to make sure she was ok. We tried to look at death from a God-given gift.


Today, Baby J, went home to Jesus.

Today, I cried.

The Hourglass Of Time--God or Satan

“I need to go now”, cried one of my peers. One of our patients is in trouble. She is declining rapidly and today she is in the darkest place of her life.

“Satan is after me”, she cried! This poor woman continued to beg for help.

No, she is not saved. She had led a pretty tumultuous life. Oh, some might say she was meaner than a striped rattlesnake. Come to think of it, her own son said, “She had Satan in her.” Our pastor had been out there numerous times to discuss her spiritual “issues”. But as most of us, “I’ll just handle this tomorrow.”

So, what happens when tomorrow comes? The hourglass of time runs out?

Today, her cries were just piercing to the soul as well as heart-wrenching. She pleaded for help. “Get him away, Satan is after me.”

As my peer left to go to her house, I said, “I will be praying for you as you minister to her in this raging war you are embarking upon.

Immediately, I picked up the phone to get others to pray. I cannot imagine losing her (or anyone) to Satan.” I called my husband without giving away her name (rules of confidentiality), and I said, “Please start praying.” And there were others. (Matthew 18:20)

My heart was so heavy all afternoon. I prayed without ceasing. The seconds became minutes and the minutes became hours.”God, You are the God of miracles.”(Like He doesn't already know this) but I kept saying this over and over. And I believe it!

Later, I received a phone call, “How did it go?” I immediately said as I saw her name pop up on my phone. My friend said, “Well, she was too weak to talk and open her eyes by the time I got there. So, I just shared with her how all we have to do is confess with our heart and believe in God’s precious Son.” She went onto tell me in so many words, that she shared with the patient that God is a forgiving God and a loving God. She wasn’t sure if she had made a difference or not.

Or that was until the end of their time together when---

in the last seconds,

through the patient’s weakness,

through the impossibilities and

through our Lord’s faithfulness,

as this little lady, squeezed the hand of our social worker and through her weakest voice , she whispered a heartfelt, “AMEN.”

It was then the realization that most likely a miracle had indeed occurred.

Sometime later the chaplain showed up, but by now, the patient was no longer responsive.

Now, just maybe our patient’s journey is complete!

So what about you, will you make the right choice before the sands of time are absolute?